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So i woke up this morning to Amber telling me the smoke detector was going off downstairs and did I think the house looked hazy.  I jumped out of bed, because we have a drunk living in the basement who set the house on fire about a year ago -- no damage, lots of smoke, and Fire Dept visit to clean out the smoke.  Thank God we were home that time -- we were just about to leave when the smoke started. 

Today, Lo and Behold, was similar.  Amber woke up to the alarm clock and the fire alarm in the basement could he hear (faintly) I grabbed Morgan out of a smokey house and dragged him outside in the cold rain at 6:15 this morning with a blanket, rain boots and PJs, while Amber got out and called the neighbors to get out of their house.  We left the pets this time, like we are supposed to.  :( We called 911 and they didn't miss the house this time.  But when they got here they could not get into the downstairs apartment where the fire was.  Metal doors, even hollow ones are very resistant to a fireman's axe.  Finally they got in and it was a stove fire because he was passed out and cooking again.  Then the fire dept had to clear the smoke and they sent Amber back into the smoke for the pets so they didn't die before the smoke cleared.  Next time ( I hope there never is one ) We will take the pets if we can because we had a hard time finding the cat after the alarms were going off and the fire dept were here.  He had clawed his way into my boxspring and was hiding there.  We finally got back into the house about an hour later and made a mad dash to get ready for the day.  Since then I have had like 3 medium coffees and the let down from the adrenaline, so I am all dizzy and shaky -- I seldom drink caffeine anymore.

All pets and people seem to be fine, but the house smells of smoke and I am sure Morgan is traumatized and will never sleep again.  Just another day in "Fuck, This Cannot Be My Life" tm
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So Amber has been working at Morgan's school to pay off his tuition.  They run an afterschool program which he attends, which we thought was part of this deal, so only in cases where job hunting made it necessary, or Amber was at the school working, making far more an hour than afterschool cost Morgan would stay at afterschool to the tune of $11 on normal days or $25 on half days (Weds).  Well this has built up on our bill and we have recently found out that this cannot be paid for by Amber working it off.  So we now owe them 367 + some amount from the last two weeks.  Maybe $22?  We owe it.  We don't have it to spare.  We don't have it at all. 

The school is being generous already, by letting us work off his tuition,  so I don't want to bitch that they told us not to worry about it and then took two months to get us an answer.  Ugh.  We haven't abused it, but have used it like once a week on average.  Which is upwards of 44 a month, plus the 150 from the week before school started. 


That and -- gas costs and other assorted things like car repairs and books are killing us. They aren't really in the budget on what I make, but the kid goes to school 26 miles from the house.  He has to go to school.  We have to take him to school.  Car pooling has been a failure.  Amber usually stays up there were his school is most days to cut the gas in half.  Gas goes on the credit card, because it is not in the budget.  Everything else not in the budget is not purchased or put on the card -- like OMG the car is broken.  Or OMG amber needs a book for classes. 

I'm going to need 2k to move, and another 2k to pay the card off, then 400 for afterschool and $300/400 for Amber's guitar teacher who said "Don't pay me unless you can afford to," except I am sure he was expecting it to get better before now. 

I have $900 in my savings account -- rent for March is $800 and I don't have enough left in checking to cover this months bills, none of which have been paid yet. 

Better yet, I can't file for my state taxes because I don't have the health insurance form required -- but I had state MassHealth health insurance last year, until they cut me off this month because bringing in $1600 for a family of two is too much money for me to get MassHealth (Medicare).  So yesterday I had to shell out $88 for blood sugar meds because my new insurance for poor people only can start on the first of the month and my old one expired on the 29th and so I didn't get the paperwork and notification until it was too late to register for the month. 

This is the last month savings would cover and I though it was just in time, since Amber was gonna start working part time next week, but the guy doesn't need anyone for those hours now and who knows when else she will be able to get hours and how long we are going to have to wait and I am out of money and it is terrifying.  

I am excited to go to the FFF this weekend in providence, which will pay us a little money for busting ass all weekend for like 10 hour days. 

It brings back so many bad flash backs to Ithaca, collectors, evictions, feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless.  It spent a lot of years like that and I don't want to go back.  It is like my biggest fear. 

Amber was supposed to be working next week, at like 30 some odd hours and now that she is not I feel tricked.  It was just on the verge of getting better and we were hoping and counting on that and now everything feels broken. 

I did what I was supposed to.  I did college.  I busted ass.  I took a hard major.  I did what I was supposed to damn it.  I graduated and I saved and I ended with 10k and it is gone.  It feels like everything I worked for is gone.  Why isn't anything working.  What the fuck is wrong with my life.  Why doesn't anything ever come easy for me.  

Sorry for the self pity.  I know it is stupid and I have to have a good outlook, but how long can you live your life "With the Goal in mind"? 

What the fuck is the goal now? 

Not to fall of the edge of the edge of the world?
tearsinger: (Default)
Morgan in all seriousness : "Y'know my math homework?  The elves help me with it.  Ever since they gave me those shiny rocks for Christmas I have been able to communicate with them with my mind."

In other news, I have another job interview type thing on Monday.  It is just a meeting with a temp agency, which blows, but whatever. 

In more other news Amber got 24 hours/week with the PCA place, Friday and Saturday night and has lost those hours already, so she is back down to not knowing when she works /if at all.  FML.  

In some other more news The FFF starts tomorrow in Providence and I should really be doing something like getting ready, since we leave tomorrow at 10, and we leave behind McGee with Daddy, who will be leaving for Grandma's before we get back and needs to be packed as well and ready to go.  

In additional other news we have not heard word one about the apartment I like.  I am feeling anxious about the life changes and having room mates again, and this time with a kid, anxious about living in greenfield, living further from work and some of the job prospects I have, but excited about the idea of having 1/2 bills and only paying $550 in rent, instead of $800, and less gas since the house is near Morgan's school.

In some random other news of the more variety, I am having heart palpatations about the fact that we just found out Afterschool program costs are not part of the deal where Amber's working pays for it and she had been sending McGee to afterschool so she could work a few more hours.  We have mostly used it sparingly, but I need to pay off all of the afterschool costs since September, pretty much asap.  We are looking into seeing if Child care vouchers will help us with back owed child care.  Also I really need to send Amber's and Morgan's guitar teacher a check. 

On that note: Morgan keeps making music samples in the recording studio instead of playing guitar while he is there.  I blame spending too much formitive time listening to Deathboy's "A very technical boy"   When I figure out how perhaps I will upload his musical samples to just have here.  Why the hell not, right? 

Totally unrelated to music and back to OMFG MONEY, I really need to figure out how to pay off my credit card, since gas and care repairs aren't in the budget and they have sort of piled up there again.  Fuck.

Also, Brinner is served so I need to go.


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March 2011

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